I entered 2016 with a mantra rather than a resolution, “Do not live a mediocre life.” 2016 was pretty kind to me, because I decided I was going to work really hard to make it that way. I decided that if this was my one shot at happiness, I had to take it for all it was worth. Do what you want. Be what you want. Why couldn’t I? I thought, “stop making excuses and start making plans.”
So, I started taking classes at my “dream” college. I was blessed with an amazing relationship, with a truly amazing guy. I flew in an airplane for the first time. I took a leap of faith and quit waitressing. I learned (okay – I’m still learning) to cook. I started taking care of myself mentally and physically, which resulted in less panic attacks and less depression and me losing about 30 pounds.
12:00 AM, January 1st, 2017. I was pumped. I brought in the New Year with my boyfriend, thinking “It’s gonna be a great year.”
Well, life is unexpected and unpredictable.
Where did January go?
That’s what I was left thinking when my rent rolled around on the 1st and I found myself grateful for the 3 day grace period. Where did the time go?
I jokingly made comments late December that the gym and track were going to be crowded with January-ers. People that pumped themselves up to achieve goals in 2017, overworked and then fizzled out. Mid-February, things would go back to normal for the most part and we wouldn’t have to wait around to use the tiny gym at my apartment.
It didn’t matter if it was more crowded, I wasn’t there.
I was the opposite of a January-er. My plan was just to continue all of the awesome things that 2016 had brought me and taught me, but instead I wasn’t leaving my bed.
A week into January, depression hit me harder than it ever has. I would do my school work (missing the occasional deadline), go to work and sleep. That was it. For weeks. Work and sleep and fake smiling and hysterically crying and beating myself up and putting myself down and sleep and then work and then fake smiling and…
Days passed without me really comprehending it. I got to a point of depression where I didn’t care if I was ever happy again. I felt like happiness was a lie, and that I had found the truth. Life was miserable.
I won’t go into details here of the effect that oral contraceptives have on people with bipolar disorder (especially those who rely on Lamictal). Maybe I’ll write a post on that in the future.
But, I will say that without the patience and perseverance of those that love me (and an increase of medication), I wouldn’t be a brand new February-er. No, scratch that – 2017-er. (Hmm, hard to say and not very catchy at all lol)
So, January 2017 is gone. It’s gone and I feel like I barely got through it. But looking back is a lost cause, and blaming myself for falling off the wagon…. again, a lost cause.
Did you miss out on January? Maybe you started off with momentum, and you’ve come to a screeching halt? Are you disappointed in yourself? Do you just not have time to reach your goals? Are you telling yourself that it’s not the right time to prioritize what you want out of life?
Here’s what I’m suggesting:
Whatever you want out of life, whatever it is you want to be or do…. Start now. January wasn’t a failure if you started drinking soda again, or fell back into a toxic relationship, or gained 3 pounds or didn’t get that promotion at work or whatever it is that’s trying to tell you to just give up. Stop. Don’t be a burn out. Don’t obsess over a resolution you missed. Why not make your resolution just to try harder and work harder for the life that you want, and love the life you have.
Aim for a continued happier lifestyle, not a deadline. January is gone – but I’m not, you’re not.
Why not try again?
Until next time –